I can honestly say that I am so grateful that I get to experience motherhood.
I get to love and be loved in such a pure way.
I am one lucky girl and I know it.
However, parenting is so hard! Is there a manual?
warning: this is a long post of the ranting nature
I am often thinking about how to be a parent. I wonder what I am supposed to be doing. What am I supposed to be doing during each moment of the day. There is so much time to fill so that kids are happy and occupied and learning and healthy, etc.
I think about what I want for myself and my family but have no idea how to get there. I think often about how lost I am and how hard it is to know what should be happening. I get scared even of bringing another child into the world while still not having this all figured out. I don't like doing things knowing that I have no idea what I am doing. If I try something its because I know I can do it. Parenthood is the one thing I took on that I have no idea how to do. Its scary and it is very hard.
Is there a manual? Is there somewhere I can go online that tells me what a typical day, week or month should look like... with all the step by step tutorials and recipes and outfits and cleaning products, etc? I know this is even naive to mention but I seriously wonder this sometimes because is it really this hard.
My guess is that I need to enjoy the step by step, trial and error process of it all but that is just not how I work. I do because I know it will be a success. So, when there is a tantrum or I wake up with no energy and I have a little one tugging on my leg or playing in his food, I just don't know how to deal. I would say that I am a big baby when it comes to parenting. I expect things to work and because they don't all the time I am not happy as often as I should be. I am a big baby I know but I am trying to figure this whole parenthood thing out because I want to be a good parent.
*** Here are a few things that I think stand in the way of me just doing my best and trusting that its working:
- I need to focus. ....on my husband, on my son, on my health this pregnancy. I need to focus on the simple things of keeping my home, like keeping it tidy and clean. Everyone is happier if this happens.
- I need to realize that I am no longer super young with the world at my feet. ....I mean that I need to stop dreaming so big that the life I have happily chosen turns into something that I want to trade in. This little family of mine, this is the dream and the life that I want now. I need to let go of those little single-girl dreams in the "regret" file from my youth.
I am reading this book right now and it is helping me a lot... reading is good... I need to do it more.
YOu are wonderful and dreams are good. here is another GREAT book. It helped me a lot
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/Bringing-Up-Bebe-Discovers-Parenting/dp/1594203334
miss you and love you
I'll check it out. Thanks, dear!
Deletei loved reading this post. i feel similarly about how hard parenting is. and YES to the manual thing: WHY don't they come with one?! it would make things so much easier. but i guess, like you said, that's not the point. good luck on your journey. i miss seeing you in NYC! you're a great person AND mom. P.S. What book are you reading right now that you mentioned?
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your thoughts. The book is Happiest Toddler on the Block. Its a practical read that is a good balance for my emotional and often guilt driven methods. ;-)
DeleteOh Linda, I feel like I could have written this post when I had tiny Eli and was pregnant with Audrie. It's so true! And IT'S SO HARD, especially tantrums and messes. Ugh! I think one of the hardest parts of motherhood is the lack of validation - you can be doing everything exactly right and still be getting not-so-great results (like when you've done EVERYTHING for your crying baby and you he's STILL crying!)
ReplyDeleteIn my limited years of motherhood I have learned to let go and just be. Don't over-think everything I'm doing, don't figure out the way society says is best, don't compare my style of mothering to anyone else's, don't fret about messing up - just forgive myself for being normally imperfect and move on. It's helped so much! I feel free and much less anxious. Instead of forcing myself to be on a schedule/technic/philosophy that my friends are doing, we go with the flow. Instead of stressing about doing laundry, dishes, or cleaning the bathroom - I just do them without overanalyzing and thinking about the best system to do chores, or I just leave a mess and do something fun and do it later.
I'm not saying this is right for everyone - maybe a more refined, thoroughly though out schedule is what works for a lot of mommas. I just found the more I forced things, the more anxiety and fretting I did. So I let go and decided to do what I wanted to do (and what was best for MY kids) instead of what I thought I should be doing according to societal rules.
Wow. I sound like a total hippie, but it's worked well for me and i feel a lot more satisfaction in motherhood and enjoy my kids a lot more when I'm not fretting.
The end of the longest comment ever!
PS reading The Gifts of Imperfection helped me a lot too - after reading it I felt like I accepted myself a lot more, thus making me a better parent to my kids. I feel the more I embrace my strengths and stop worrying about my weaknesses, them more I enjoy motherhood and life!
I love this comment! Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts and feelings. I almost didn't post this but I just needed to get it out there. I'm so glad I did. It means a lot that mothers and friends that I look up to (like you) are understanding and sharing with me. Thank you!!! Big hug.
DeleteActually yes, I believe there is a manual... Jared's cousin lives in England and she was telling me about the Gina Ford method. I haven't checked her books out myself, but from what I understand, she basically says what you should be doing with your child at any given moment. It sounded a lot like a mommy manual to me!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate this post because as beautiful as it is to be a mother and to love children as much as we do, parenting is still HARD!! There are days when I feel like life is so out of control and I am desperate to have someone tell me how to fix it. I do believe our babies thrive from structure but I also think Abbie is right about not letting yourself get too frustrated or discouraged. Those really hard moments are just moments, and they always have an end, usually not too long after the beginning. And sometimes another moment follows too quickly, but it will end, too. While I think a manual sounds really nice, I don't think anyone could tell you how to be a better momma for Odin and little sister than you could.
Best of luck, my friend! Hope that baby comes soon!
Thanks Debi! I know that is what's hardest, that I am my kids mom so I also think I will feel and know what's best for them... Good words my friend, thanks!
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DeleteI love Abbie's Comment too. I think it is spot on. I only have one kid, but he has the energy of about 12. I've found that the less I listen to other people the better off I am. I've been thinking about this topic since you posted this, Linda. I doubt there is a mother out there that has not had doubts, concerns, or frustrations about their child rearing skills. I don't think we are supposed to know what to do. I think you are a wonderful, patient mother. I miss you. I don't think you need to forget your dreams, or the wants that don't involve your family right now. I think it is important to HOLD ON to those dreams, not file them away as anything other than "ON HOLD". They are what make you YOU. Linda. Not Mommy, Not a Wife, Not a SAHM. YOU. You are still allowed and encouraged to be Linda. Just right now, it is Linda +... and that is OK.
ReplyDeleteThanks Carly, I like hearing encouragement and uplifting things from you. You have such a healthy and easy going perspective on life. So glad we're friends.
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